Trying To Figure It Out.

I used to have it all figured out. I knew exactly what I was doing with my life, or at least I thought I did.

My dad and I took our cars to get serviced today, and we're very familiar with the staff at the shop. Pops was chatting with the supervisor, and told him that I was starting college soon. The supervisor then asked me what my major was, to which I replied "I'm not sure yet." He seemed surprised at my answer, and then randomly said that the healthcare industry was booming right now. I know this. I've researched many careers in the healthcare industry in attempts to see if I would like to pursue them. I honestly cannot see myself being a nurse, though I did consider it for some time.

I don't know exactly where I was going with that. I guess my point is, I don't have it figured out at all. I don't even know where I want to go to school yet. For the longest time my goal was to transfer to Simpson as a Psych major, get my BA and being working as a Psychiatric Technician in a mental hospital, and then go back to school, get my MA in Counseling Psych and become a Marriage and Family Therapist. I never really wanted to get married or have a family of my own, if anything I was going to adopt a child and be a single mom by choice.

Well, life can change you, and it sure as heck changed me.

A few weeks ago I worked for 3 days as a Recreation Director for a Home-School Practicum Day Camp. I worked with about 80 children between the ages of 3 and 14. Maybe it was seeing the "artwork" the kids produced those 3 days, or maybe it was how excited the kids got over the silly games I made up, but something from those 3 days made me want to have a family of my own.

Being a single child of two older parents kinda... sucks? I guess that's the right word for it. But I wouldn't trade my family for the world. I love my parents and I think having older parents has been very beneficial for me (but that's a story for another day). The only "sucky" part is that I had to grow up really fast, and had to deal with sickness and death and loss far earlier than I should have.

As I said, my parents are older, and therefore so is the rest of my family. I have lost many family members in my short life, and I have spent many days in hospitals visiting family plagued with various illnesses (but the Lord is good, and has healed people in my family many times.) I'm not here to give ya'll a sob story, so I'm not going to go into details. Just know that I have lost many people that I love, due to age or illness.

Analyzing myself made me realize that the loss of my family prevented me from wanting to create one. I just didn't want to live in fear of loosing people near to me. But during those 3 days I found myself asking, what if it was worth it? Is love worth the possibility of pain and loss? I pondered that question when I saw all the happy young families at the Practicum, and BAM, it hit me. My stony heart cracked, and I realized that it's totally worth it. I felt this unfamiliar desire to have a family of my own. Not today, certainly not within the next year or two, but someday when I find someone who makes me happy (and hopefully I make them happy too).

So, there is one BIG change of mind for me. The other is the aforementioned change of major, err, lack of major. I really don't know what I want to do in my professional life. I've gone from wanting to be a MFT, to Cosmetologist, to Ultrasound Tech, to Nurse, to something in Business, to Clinical Psychologist, to Lawyer, to Accountant,  to now possibly History Teacher, all before even starting college. I also am no longer sure where I want to study. I might decide to stay at home and go to CSU - Sacramento instead of transferring to Simpson. The beauty of the situation is, I don't have to decide today. Or tomorrow. I have a year or two before I need to make any decisions when it comes to my major or choice of school.

God is faithful, and I'm sure that he will show me what is right for me and what will make me happy, as he did with showing me how great having a family can be. I might not have it all figured out yet, but I'll get there.